The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:
April 15, 1990
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This astrological analysis is based
on the following astrological data:
Sun 25 Ari 13
Moon 23 Sag 23
Mercury 14 Tau 28
Venus 9 Pis 30
Mars 25 Aqu 55
Daylight Savings Time observed
GMT: 11:00:00 Time Zone: 0 hours West
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For Professional Charts and Reports
Sun in Aries:
Aries: Key words: The Egomaniac. EGO: for the hell of it.
The word Spirituality and Aries are never used together in the same sentence, at least not on purpose. A Spiritual moment for the typical Aries native is closing another business deal, or just looking marvelous. Promising more than they can ever hope to deliver is a bad habit to get into for the Aries native, but all of us fall into that trap once in awhile, and Aries most of the time however, it's just that they are more prone to it, and really enjoy it. They have the reputation of being real mavericks or madmen (or madwomen), sometimes both at the same time, letting their fists do the talking for them. Remember though Aries people, he who lives by the sword . . . can also get cut by it.
While talking to an Aries male or female, pay careful attention to their eyes, and you can get a good idea who they would rather be having a conversation with, as their eyes wander around the room looking for someone more interesting, most likely someone who can further their career or do something for them. Aries people are self absorbed, and what "they" are doing in life is more important than what other people are doing, unless doing something for someone else will make the Aries look good, then that is a much different story. After all, appearances are most important to the Aries person.
Aries are often accused of having foul mouths, but only in private situations or in moments of frustration which can occur moment by moment. Aries people may work themselves to death to forget they are going to die, even though people are telling them to lighten up. It takes a real crisis for an Aries to pay attention to his/her health, and even then Aries will push it aside, considering it a fluke knowing it couldn't happen to them again, and go on with life as if nothing had happened.
Impatience with small details winds up costing them in the long run as Aries people are lousy at details. In this example Aries people should simply give the project to someone who is a stickler at details like a Virgo, and let them run with it. In this way the typical Ariens new and original thinking can be moving on to the next project.
The unevolved versions of the sign Aries can be very immature, and there will be a great hunger for admiration, even if they are making total butt heads of themselves.
The Impossible Mission for Aries: To grow up. Key Phrase: " I want it, but I have no idea exactly what it is that I want, or what to do with it when I get it." On the other hand if anything is acquired too easily, and the challenge is gone, so is this Aries interest!
In the area of making love, Aries natives can get so excited, that they are actually finished with the whole process before their partner gets started (real or otherwise). Aries people use their love making prowess like radar to hone in on their targets and objects of desire, only to find that the excitement of bumping into something, or the mere thought and fantasy of love making is more gratifying than the actual act. Aries people see these brief contacts as a false reading on their inner "radar" screen, and go on searching for other blips. If one is considering dating this person, the fire may ignite for the Aries and go out way before the smoking lamp is lit, or it will probably light up in someone else's back yard before, during or after you had time to figure out what was going on, or when. No one is implying that Aries people fool around, but there are those that won't say they don't. "Let your conscience be your guide Aries", is the theme for this sign, then as usual, they must do what they want to anyway, regardless of the consequences.
Moon in Sagittarius:
The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.
The man who invented the movie "born free" had to have his Moon in Sagittarius. These people are born with driving gloves embedded in their skin, and in this way they don't have to waste time when going for drive, after drive, after drive, trying to find them.
Loving support is given to others by Moon in Sagittarius people by beating them over the head to listen to what they have to say, or embedding this weeks truth into the minds of the unsuspecting. People emerging from this feel like they have been run over by a bulldozer. Lighten up!
Moon in Sagittarius people are the original inventors of the gaming wheel, and you will often find these natives at Atlantic City, or Las Vegas, trying to beat the odds, and some may very well just do that.
One of my personal favorite associations for the Moon in Sagittarius (which I can both relate and admit to) is having lots and lots of acquaintances, but very few close friends.
Most people have hobbies that include cooking or sewing. Instead, Moon in Sagittarius people enjoy fantasies with hundreds of naked maidens or their male counterparts, all cooking and sewing.
Moon in Sagittarius natives are always happy and cheerful, and should there come a time when they become disgruntled in their present relationships they try to stay in good shape emotionally, even though they are moving out on you. " Hi Ho, Hi Ho, its off to another place I go" (The Moon in Sagittarius theme song)
The unhappy Moon in Sagittarius native can suffer some problems with the hips or sciatic nerves can act up.
Mercury in Taurus:
Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.
You must talk to, not at this person. By the time these natives take in, assemble, mull around, and decide to do something, the subject is closed, and no one really cares anymore. The stubborn mind just . . . for the heck of it!
Lovemaking for them is like falling into a hole, they don't know what happened, it was just there, and so it goes. This sign epitomizes how Adam and Eve got into trouble in the first place, making love in the jungle and eating apples off the trees. Make love on a pool table, the surroundings may not be right, but the cloth is soft.
Here is the person who invented "Have I Got A Deal For You" without a second thought about honesty or integrity. Once you have hard feelings or miscommunications with this person, it will be a cold day in hell before they talk to you again, for they are the greatest sulkers in the universe.
Mercury in Taurus' ability to make decisions is so slow, that if you take this person to the horse races (never happen) to bet on a horse, by the time they make up their mind, all of the races will be over, the horses would be watered, fed, bred and put to sleep and the jockeys would be over in the local pub, drunk! On the other hand, they have such great powers of concentration, that you could drop a torpedo down their shorts, and it wouldn't phase them in the slightest.
You can usually find these people squirreled away in some back room of an accounting firm, or working with money, facts and figures. They take their work so seriously in this arena that they treat this money as if it were their very own, and some day it may very well be.
If you have to go on a business trip with this person, take them to a much different motel/hotel than they are used to going to. Not only will it totally disorient them, but you may wake up in the middle of the night to find them walking around banging into the walls, all the while crying for that other hotel like a child who lost his teddy bear.
Venus in Pisces:
Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:
This person is willing to tie themselves to a roulette wheel while you are throwing knives at it to feel wanted and appreciated. At the same time they are holding a sign that says "Anything for love". An added touch to get the attention of these wonderful people would be to compose a song while the wheel is turning and knives are flying through the air, or writing a very special poem just for them, to show the heights and depths of love.
They are extremely sensitive and romantic and you may find them hiding in deep dark corners of the house when upset, such as basements or in the attic.
Compassion, deep love and sympathy on the very verge of being spiritual defines Venus in Pisces. This is a very nice quality in the times that we live in. They also have a wonderful rapport with all of natures beautiful and ugly creatures.
Always remember, when romancing this sign, to show clear demonstration of love and affection. Otherwise the loneliness and disappointment that results would float a boat in the midst of the ocean.
Be careful how far you go with this native as you may wake up one morning with them singing original love songs, reciting original poetry by the ton, or being captured El Buffo on canvas.
You have to pry love out of this Venus in Pisces, as they are so afraid of rejection they are as cautious as a new chastity belt, and as hard to get open.
Mars in Aquarius:
Mars defined: "Its get down and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.
With Mars in Aquarius there are many sides to love making. Foreplay for these people would be going out to the ball field, bringing everyone home and have sex with them and making them leave.
Mars in Aquarius people make love in the cerebral arena. They have the ability to make OOH and AHH sounds during sex without anyone actually having to be there. You can usually find this placement working in a lab or working on a new way to experiment with, but not actually using the actual sexual act. Expect to find all kinds of toys in bed with them when making love. "Please leave the bed as you found it, I have another group coming in an hour.", is the battle cry of Mars in Aquarius.
Here is the independent and unorthodox sex nature, for anything and everything goes, and usually does with this position of Mars. They take teamwork to an all time high, and the whole team may be in there working and breathing heavily together. Let Mars in Aquarius take the lead as they do not respond well to direction or authority. Cue cards are optional so that the appropriate reactions can be interjected at just the right moment for optimum excitement.
Should you give sexual advice to an Aquarian, expect them to ignore it and continue in any area that suits them. Why? They have to learn by their own mistakes, but then again, they don't make mistakes, do they?