The Naughty Natal Report
Interpretations of the humorous kind for:
26 January 1958
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This astrological analysis is based
on the following astrological data:
Sun 5 Aqu 55
Moon 17 Ari 10
Mercury 13 Cap 54
Venus 9 Aqu 55
Mars 24 Sag 01
Standard time observed
GMT: 09:00:00 Time Zone: 6 hours West
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Sun in Aquarius:
Aquarius – Key Words: “I Love You All. . . kind of!”
“I love everybody, just don’t bug me! I am loyal to everyone I make love with, and treat them all the same way”, says the true Aquarian soul. Aquarians are such understanding lovers, that if their partner comes home and tells them that they are having an affair, the typical Aquarian would say “That’s okay, I’ve been having one for years!”. The Aquarian personality and makeup is so unique that they can have an affair with someone whether they are actually present or not.
Whenever an Aquarian native has a penchant for meeting someone, they will use the art of communication like a day at a pig pen. Anything, I say anything is liable to roll off the Aquarian tongue. The wilder the better, as they love the shock of seeing the expressions on other peoples faces, and herein lies the inner person.
Aquarians have the ideals of a child who is squirting their mother with a baby bottle. Just gotta be me! Some bad news -emotionally Aquarians are cold as a fly caught in a tray of ice cubes.
People have a difficult time playing jokes on Aquarians, for instance stealing their address book wouldn’t even phase them. They would never replace the names or the book, they would simply get new friends.
An interesting facet of the Aquarian personality is that they have a unique talent for coming up with weird ideas for useless products. It’s that progressive nature that needs a new look for Santa Claus and that streak of blue in his hair, or that traffic signal that can use an extra colored light that means indecision. Aquarians are also prolific in the art of disoriented speech and thoughts that have no relevant meaning, they simply exist as if on helium. Aquarians have also been accused of drinking like a fish.
Although Aquarians have no concrete beliefs, they have an opinion on everything, and will offer it at any time, any place.
For the Aquarian man, romance comes under the heading of recreational activities. Lovemaking is simply another way of making new acquaintances, and pornography may be Aquarius’s line of work, or sideline. Marriage for Aquarians are ships that pass in the night, and here comes another one now. Marriage can be compared to summertime at the beach. What variety? How can they choose one, when they love so many.
Positive traits of the Aquarians include: Absent minded behavior, interests only in ones self, a lack of confidence, and lack of insight.
Moon in Aries:
The Emotions – This is what I really need to be complete.
How can people say people with Moon in Aries have a bad temper? Because they have the compassion of Godzilla tromping through Tokyo while having a Big Mac attack. Those menacing munchkins!
Everything is personal with Moon in Aries. No matter how impersonal a statement is made, in their infinite “state” they can make an issue of it. For example: A simple “Good Morning & how are you” can be turned into “fine thanks, but what have you heard, and why are you asking?”
You can always tell an emotionally unhappy Moon in Aries native, either they have a grand old headache, or they become VERY accident prone. Odd illnesses of the head are an added attraction for these hot blooded beings.
The Moon in Aries’s judgment may as well be non existent, because they don’t deal well with matters of the earth. They would have made a great attack dog to someone. “Sic ’em boy, Sic ’em”. And there they would be, with drool running out of their mouths waiting for a biscuit for doing yet another good job for their master.
Reactions to emotions are often associated with the logic “Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time?”. Sure, so is lancing a boil, but I wouldn’t want to make a career of it!
Moon in Aries natives make friends easily, but lose them just as quickly, as they are just a wee bit unstable and intense for the rest of humanity. Hocus Pocus.
Relationships for the natives with Moon in Aries begin with the subtlety of being struck by lightning, then die just as suddenly. It can be equated with being swept off your feet, then falling headfirst from a plane without a parachute.
Moon in Aries natives should find a lover who has a built in plug for recharging if they want love to make it the long haul. Picture being the orchestra leader standing before a group of musicians, finishing a brilliant piece to a wonderful climax, sleeping with them all, and then leaving. This for people with Moon in Aries is a night out on the town.
Mercury in Capricorn:
Mercury represents the thought process and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate, what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind, here is what they are apt to think and talk about.
Here is the computer memory that pays attention to all details, even though they do not know how to operate a computer. This is the person you need to see to all of those fine finishing points in projects. For goodness sakes, learn how to laugh, and get a sense of humor Mercury in Capricorn! Actually they do have a sense of humor, they are the people who get a kick out of telling you that your loan has been turned down. I’ll bet this native has problems with constipation and soreness in body joints. Take a laxative, take two, have a bowel movement, be happy and lighten up!
You can easily spot these people behind the wheel of their cars, they are they ones doing 40 MPH in a 55MPH zone, thinking they are going too fast! Their speech is so slowed down that you just know they took diction lessons from Mel Tillis, or they are going through life in slow motion.
They would make a great school teacher, you know the kind, with the pointer in one hand, and student by the hair in the other. You can tell their classroom at a glance, it is the one where everyone has fallen asleep out of boredom.
Foreplay for them is looking at a room of extraordinarily beautiful women/men doing aerobics and thinking about how much work they have to do at the office. Here is the constipated mind at work and play.
During, before or after making love, they are not verbal, demonstrative, alive, appreciative, compassionate, passionate, or physical. They do like to critique the activity though and give it a passing or failing grade, even though they are unsure what it is all about.
Abnormalities in lovemaking for them is breathing, sweating, yelling “Do it now” at the top of their lungs, or moans, groans or whimpering.
Venus in Aquarius:
Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food, flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement of Venus:
Venus in Aquarius has all of the emotional satisfaction of an ice cube down your pants, which by the way has the same results for these people. They have no scruples in romance or lovemaking and will go after anything that walks, talks, or crawls with the emotions of a snowman that even the sun cannot melt.
This native also has the capacity to make rehearsed and prerecorded sounds while making love. As an example: “Oh baby, oh yes baby, do it now, oh yes baby”. Don’t put any emotions into it while you read it, just read it, then you have the emotions.
Commitments for Venus in Aquarius are limited to hello, and goodbye. “Oh look, someone new to play with until something more interesting comes along”.
Foreplay and emotional response for this sign is best illustrated by reading a book while making love, or instead of it making the same sounds associated with the sexual act.
There was an old story that I heard a long time ago that illustrates this native to a “T”. “If I should fall asleep while we are making love, please pull my nightgown down”. It’s coarse and uncouth I agree, but accurate.
Mars in Sagittarius:
Mars defined: “Its get down and dirty time”. Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with their surroundings.
Mars in Sagittarius people need to learn to recognize that others have rights as well as them. Sometimes these natives limit their vocabulary with others to the middle finger of either hand, as gesturing gets the same effect.
Don’t rush partners in intimate moments Mars in Sagittarius natives, this is not the last adventure of the jolly rancher, or Eskimo pie, this is a living breathing human being. These people should find a lover who can fill in the missing pieces of their ever popular fantasies, like putting in the last piece of a crossword puzzle.
Mars in Sagittarius people have the ability to make love during a total eclipse. While everyone else is looking up, they take advantage of it. After all, who will notice? For Sagittarians, love making gives a new meaning to “its Miller time”. The adventurous Sagittarius may choose to jump from a hot air balloon and land on the object of their desire, make contact and move on, without too much effort. If you want to keep this person continually interested after marriage, change your residence but don’t tell them where you are. At least that will keep them busy for a few days trying to find you. Tell these people you’ve inherited money and you’ll be gone for a short holiday, that will put a rise in their attention span.
“Don’t fence me in” is the battle cry of this unreliable person, so set up your own kind of corral, if you get my drift and if you want to keep this persons attention temporarily.